Friday, June 12, 2009

Sara Loraine Orton

It is 3 weeks today.

I've been going back and forth on how to tastefully make this post. I've been waiting a while so that I could work through some emotions so that the words don't appear to be angry or too sad and hopeless. I want it to be informative, yet not too intimate as to seem like I had copied the words directly from my journal. It's a rather interesting thing to post about. Something that most other parents will never have the chance to write about, fortunately. Our beautiful baby girl was just a tad too eager to join us. I suppose she knew Spencer and I were going to be awesome parents, and was really excited about it. After an already difficult pregnancy a couple painful internal exams, multiple ultrasounds and a very long MRI, it was determined that I had an incompetent cervix (most likely due to radiation therapy) and that the remainder of the pregnancy would be spent on strict bedrest. The baby had somehow already made her way into the birth canal and was ready to make her debut appearance. The days after the news were spent on bed rest watching FoodNetwork and other mindless TV shows. Our queen size bed was placed in the middle of the family room directly in front of the screen. Divine. On Thursday my doctor requested I head to the hospital to be monitored for contractions. Instead of the 800+ channels in HD quality I lowered my standards to such television shows as Peoples Court and boring Local News. The contraction machine spit out receipt-like paper that reached a mile long. The results were mostly flat lined- which in this case is good- so we felt a little happier. Meaning A) the pain I was feeling weren't contractions and B) the tight pressured belt strapped on my stomach could finally be removed. The idea of option B was short lived since the doctor suggested I spend the night for further monitoring. With that news we were moved to a nice room with a window and a little pull out bed for Spencer. I asked Spencer to pull his béir (a word I just made up to mean bed/chair) closer to my deluxe hospital bed so that we could hold hands as the sky got dark and the streetlights flickered on. We watched the late night comedy shows and chuckled each time someone came into our room, which was every 30 minutes or so. "I'm the public relations person..." or "I'm in charge of the rubbery food we feed you here at the hospital..." or "I'm here to draw some blood". The blood lady came at 5:00am. I'm still confused about that. Our morning was rather relaxing. Hand fulls of people told us that we would be released as soon as the doctor had made her rounds. While we waited for her to come around we had an ultrasound by one of the High Risk doctors where we saw our little baby swimming around. He too told us that we would be going home. With this reassuring news the day flew by- besides a progesterone shot administered right into my hip. Early afternoon Spencer left for work, and around 3:00pm I became very uncomfortable. Sparring you all from details our beautiful baby girl arrived Friday May 22, 2009 at 3:20pm and passed away 3:26pm. She was healthy and perfect, with slightly undeveloped lungs, which is normal when delivered that early. I yelled at everyone to get Spencer on the phone, but before I knew it they told me something about a loss of blood and the need for an emergency surgery. An hour or so later Spencer joined me in a recovery room. We laid together in the hospital bed and cried. Shortly there after, the nurse brought our little baby to us wrapped in a blanket- her features so perfect and ever so tiny. Some family and friends joined us in the room a while later and gratefully had plenty of cameras to treat us somewhat like a celebrity family. The paparazzi flashed and snapped shots of our first family moments together. I look at those pictures everyday. They will always mean so much to us. We named our precious baby Sara Loraine Orton. Sara after moi. and Loraine after her maternal grandmother. We filled out a birth certificate (and a death certificate) then took our baby back to our previous hospital room. Spencer and I shared the deluxe hospital bed that night and our angel joined us in her small plastic bassinet at the foot of the bed. I realized that night that you don't have to be awake to cry. I also realized how grateful I am to have an amazing husband who is my absolute best friend. We together are so grateful that we have been sealed in the temple and know that we will have our baby girl again. We are also so thankful for all the cards, meals, prayers, visits, packages, flowers etc. that we have recieved. Thank you.

22 comments:

Nicole Breanne said...

This post made me laugh. (your made up word for bed/chair) It made me cry. It made me feel real, and human. And it made me feel grateful. It made me feel love. Love for you. Love for Sara Loraine Orton. Love for my life and the many blessings I have in it. You are an amazing young lady Sara, and we all know Heavenly Father will work His magic to bless you again. I love you so much. My thoughts and prayers are with you and Spencer at this time and will be forever. Many hugs and kisses from north of the border. xoxoxo

Meghan Crenshaw said...

I am so sorry for your loss, I am so bad at expressing my feelings in a sad and difficult time like this. So if I write something please don't take it the wrong way. I am happy that you were able to give her such a beautiful name and be able to hold her before and after her death. I hope that someday you and Spencer will be able to bring another healthy child into this world and raise he/she to be a wonderful person like the two of you. My thoughts and prayers are with you both.

Courtney Bartlett Morris said...

I still just can't beleive it sometimes:( I bawled through this whole post. I am so glad we have the gospel so you can see the angel again soon. I love you so much, I think about little sara often and know that she is in a happy place up there in the sky. We miss you guys, wish I could give you a big, tight, long squeeze. hopefully we will see you in Utah.
love,court

Nicole and Ryan Wilder said...

Sara, my tears right now are for your loss. They are also tears of joy knowing where baby Sara is right now and that one day your beautiful family will be united together again. I am thinking about you and praying for you and Spencer. I LUV U!

The Grays said...

oh sara, i am so sorry to hear about your little baby girl. i hope and wish you and spencer will be able to feel comfort knowing you will see her again. clark and i will keep you guys in our prayers so please know you are loved and thought about :)

Lana Dawn said...

i love you. only you could write something like this and be able to write about your tragedy in such a tasteful way. i have no doubts that Sara is the luckiest girl in the world to have you and spencer as her parents. and i know that you are right that she will be with you forever.

eatmores coming your way stat.

Heather said...

Sara, thank you for sharing such a heartbreaking and beautiful experience. Your example is amazing to me. Though my experience with Tyler was very different, yours brings back difficult as well as special memories. Thank you. I love you!

Lindy Salmon said...

This morning Anya was playing with her Magna Doodle (do you know what those are?). We were talking about you guys and she mentioned the "Other Sara, Baby Sara." We haven't talked about her for awhile, so I didn't know what she would say when I asked her, "Do you remember where she went?" Anya said, "She is with Jesus! Jesus Christ." I said, "Yes, she is, but we'll see her again." She said, "But does Baby Sara have a Magna Doodle to play with?" I said, "I'm sure she has a lot of things to do until we see her again."

We love you guys! We are glad you are here for the summer.

Meagan Cooper said...

We are extremely sorry for your loss. Hopefully you and Spencer can find some comfort in your knowledge of eternal families. I am glad you got to hold her and name her. Our thoughts and prayers are with you.

Aaron & Stacey Salmon said...

We love you guys so much Sara. We wish we could have been closer to see you guys. Love you.
SS

Tara said...

Beautifully written Sara! I love you and think about you SO much!

melissa said...

you are amazing.... i am proud to call you my friend. a true inspiration and an incredible example of a faithful woman. i love you (and spencer too.. but i don't know him so i hope he doesn't get weirded out by this).

Kaiti Klara said...

Sara, you amaze me in every way. This post made me cry not just about your baby girl, but because your attitude is so grateful and positive in such a heart-breaking circumstance. I feel so blessed to have you as my best friend, and your little sara is the luckiest baby in the world to have been born to such incredible parents. My thoughts and prayers are always with you and spencer and I know that you guys have been, and that the Lord will continue to bless you because of the incredible people you and spencer are. I love you more then words could express, and you continue to inspire and amaze me every day. I love you so much sara!

Kay said...

This was beautifully written. I cannot imagine someone going through this experience without the Gospel. You are so blessed to be sealed and to know that your baby Sara will be waiting for you.

Ryan + Jess said...

Sara I wish so badly I could wrap you up in my arms and just hold you right now. Tears are streaming down my face and I am just bursting with love for you. I am so glad that you have the gospel in your life and know that families ARE forever. It sounds like you will be in Utah next week and we will be there, too so I will have to wait to hug you until then... I'm glad that you have a wonderful, loving husband to be right by your side. It makes hard times easier when you aren't alone. I love you so much!

KandyJill said...

Sara, can I just tell you how much I admire the strength, courage, and faith that you have? When a tragedy like this occurs you can choose to turn away from the Lord, or to turn to Him and seek his help and comfort to get through the pain. I have extended family who have chosen to turn from the Lord and to rely upon the things of this world to help them cope. I've also seen how much that can destroy a person and destroy a family. You and Spencer are truly incredible people and I know that because you have chosen to rely on the Lord in your time of need, that because of your faith and your desire to live in such a way that you are worthy of the blessings the Lord has to give, that He will pour blessings out upon your family. I know that baby Sara will be waiting for you both, and that you will be able to spend eternity with her. How great are the blessings of the temple!
Stay close to the Lord in all you do. He loves you so much and is so proud of you and Spencer. I also know that he is taking care of baby Sara until her mother and father can be there with her. Keep living the incredible and faithful lives that you both live so that you will continue to be worthy of the blessings of eternal families. I love you both so much and pray for you all the time!
xo.

Lauren Evans said...

i love you so much and i love the way you wrote this blog. you had a perfect little baby and i know you guys will all be together again as a family one day. i cant even imagine losing our baby and i look up to you so much for the way you have dealt with everything. i havent stopped thinking about you since the day little sara was born and i love your family so much.

Alison Lee said...

I love you sara.

byufish said...

I just found your posts this morning. Very heartfelt. Thanks so much for sharing our innermost thoughts and feelings. I'm excited to meet little Sara someday. She obviously is a remarkable little spirit...I'm glad she's yours!

Ashley Kay said...

Sara! I feel bad I have not known about this until now! I am so sorry to hear about your loss! It's a blessing to have the gospel in our lives with times like these huh? I love you and am so proud of how strong you are! Your family is in my prayers!

HeaTheR & ChRiS said...

I am so sorry for your loss. You will be a great mother one day...seriously, you're kids will love you..especially your sense of humor! :) Thank goodness for the Plan of Salvation. My prayers are with you!

ripliancum said...

I happened upon your blog today by clicking the 'next blog' button up top. I admit to doing it occasionally, but the last time I'd 'blog surfed' on blogspot was in 2005 or so.

I found that I had to keep reading. That I had to find out what had happened and why. This afternoon I thought it was because of my own loss, and the losses of my sister, that I was so drawn. But this evening I received a message from a friend, and my first thought was your blog.

I took the liberty of passing your blog address to her, in the hopes that it is beneficial to all. I felt it necessary to inform you of the whys and whatfors; of the assumed randomness. And thank you for sharing so frankly.