Monday, November 11, 2013

weight/wait

The verb wait means to stay in place until something else happens. As a noun, wait refers to the time spent waiting.

Homophones don't typically mean the same thing but right now weight and wait have a similar meaning to me. 

I started a new dose of anti-thyroid medication for my graves disease. Turns out one of the biggest symptoms is weight gain. I knew that before I started and decided that I would take it, adjust my thyroid, go to the gym 5-6 days a week and track all my food intake on myfitnesspal.com. I embarked on a Biggest Loser Competition with friends back home via the internet which included weigh-ins, measurements and before pictures. At this point I wouldn't mind if my before pictures were now my after pictures.
(Disclaimer: the scar on my stomach is from my kidney removal)
Drew already wearing Christmas pajamas back in September
In 9 weeks I have gained 11lbs and my thyroid still needs more medication to become "regulated."

And now I am a mental case. Looking to buy a parasite. Not leaving the house cause no clothes fit. Not wanting to buy clothes until I lose weight. I even took a pregnancy test to try and wrap my head around my growing middle. But alas, I don't have a uterus which makes that option nearly impossible. I got a rid of a lot of my larger clothes as a way to emotionally get over the fact that I wouldn't be pregnant again, and now I really need those clothes back. (my thoughts: If I can't get pregnant, I'll at least try to have a great body)

Drew saw me taking my tiny white pill and asked "are you sick?" and I said no. Then he said "why do you take that medicine?" ...I told him it's to just make me feel a little better and I realized how observant kids are at this age. I walked over and put our scale into the closet so that he wouldn't see me get on every morning and get off in disappointment and remember his mom as a crazy lady.  

My doctor says weight... I mean wait. And that waiting game is hard. I've been frustrated with my lack of results which has turned into a lack of motivation. But I am hoping to have this thyroid thing all figured out in the next few months and then I can focus on the minor things (weight) and slowly become a bit less psychotic. 

Last week I was standing in front of the mirror and I had Claire wrapped around one leg and Drew wrapped around the other and realized they don't care if my thighs measure 20inches or 200inches. They don't see physical flaws that I might see or use to compare myself with others. They just see their mom. 

So with that, we're off to the gym. 

I'm going to wait, and while I'm weighting I might eat a pumpkin cookie or two.

20 comments:

Diane said...

Sara. First, I love you. I love this post. About a year ago Alison and I saw these two sisters on TV talking about their studies at U of U. Then, a few months ago we had the chance to go to their presentation. SO AWESOME. Changed a lot of how I feel about myself. Alison has also started to see what our world tries to tell us. Check it out!!
http://www.beautyredefined.net/
You are an incredible, beautiful, amazing person with so many gifts and talents.

Casey said...

Matt did a lot of research for you last night. I'll have to tell you what he thinks! I know you know you're awesome... but weight gain SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kate said...

Love

Jena said...

I love you. You are PERFECT. Seriously, let that sink in.

Elliot said...

Love you. Love this post. You're so brave for posting it. We've talked a lot about the thyroid and how its a wait/weight game that totally sucks. Luckily for you though is once you finally figure it out, you're all set and you can get back to normal. It's just finding that happy medium, and hopefully soon! xoxo

erin anderson said...

Sara, you are 100% right that your kids don't care and I really appreciate you posting this. =) Thank you. I needed to read this! You are beautiful btw!

byufish said...

Know the feeling....the weight....it's not that you have a poor self image, it's that your body is in control and you can't do anything to combat the changes that happen sans uterus. You have two darling, adorable kids hugging your legs and loving you unconditionally! Stay positive, keep going to the gym....when the meds regulate, you'll be so much further ahead on your goals and desires to be healthy!! Love ya--Auntie C.

Elyse Beard said...

I think you might be one of the most inspirational people I know.....sooooo...... Ya. I want to be you when I grow up

Valerie Christensen said...

EVERY time I see a picture of you I think, "She looks amazing...like you've never even been pregnant!" I would have never know you were struggling with this because you always look like one hot mamma. I understand your frustration, though. Especially when you are working so hard.

Kay said...

You look great Sarah-- do not be so hard on yourself. You have had 2 kids and a hysterectomy sprinkled with thyroid disease. Most women struggle with weight issues with just one of these, much less all 3 in less than 5 years time! Love following your blog : )

Stasia S. said...

I'm with Valerie and Kay, you look SO good! Every time I see pics of you I'm like dang, childbearing was good to her!

That being said, I've had a thyroid issue since I was 19 and can totally relate to the SUCK of weight gain despite your best efforts. Also, you can always tell before everyone else when your body is changing and it's super annoying. You look great in this pic! Love and miss you!

Melinda Peterson said...

So... I have never thought for a moment that you need to lose weight. C'mon sistah! I love you. Also, my brother has graves. Also, you're awesome.

Clarissa said...

You are awesome to post these pics. for everyone to see.. You look better than me. No stretch marks. No sagging gut. Yes Graham is 17 mos.. You are amazing! I have had a hard time with this issue to though.. and this article has helped me a lot-- http://mom-101.com/2011/04/the-myth-of-doing-it-all.html

Courtney Morris said...

You're awesome. I've always loved your body, especially your chest ;) Someone told me once, try to look at yourself in the mirror as if your body was not yours, but your best friends - they would not critique the bad parts, only see all the beauty. Love you.

Jeni said...

You are the best!

Let the party begin... said...

As a person who has dealt with Graves Disease at the age of 21 and went on to have 6 kids later, I can tell you it's a horrible feeling knowing you're gaining weight and you have no control over it. I'm now 48 and have finally managed to get a handle on my weight because I have the time to do so. It is manageable and the only reason it took me this long was because I had 6 kids, lol! It sounds like you are doing everything right with your life including looking after your lovely children. For anyone with Graves' disease, we have to work harder than the average person but it can be done. My kids use to sit on my tummy and pretend they were kneading bread,lol! They use to be able to make 3 loaves from my fat and now there's not enough for 1! I go to the gym 5 times a week and have done so since January. I try to eat healthily but I love food, lol! I know you don't know me but I just want to say you're doing a fabulous job! Hope I haven't offended you in any way by posting on your site!

Let the party begin... said...
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Lindy Salmon said...

One of my companions told me I'd be ugly in her country, not big enough hips :) Now I have more hips/thighs, so maybe I'll move :). But in all seriousness, I'm so sorry, it must be maddening to not have your body do what you are working so hard for. And you are so brave to post a pic like that!

Lana Dawn said...

Words of wisdom.

Love you!

Ashbot1000 said...

You're gorgeous Sarah, but I feel you in this situation. It's all a mental thing because people tell you you look good, and you wonder who they are seeing? Certainly not the person I see when I look in the mirror. But truly you're beautiful. What's your my fitness pal info? I have one too and need to get back at it.