untitled.

Last night I went on a walk/visit/run/talk/stroll thing with my bf.

Which in this case could mean boyfriend or bestfriend-- {Spencer}.
The night was dark and breezy. The conversation was nice. The fireflies were out.

It was perfect.

2 Months.

Never thought I would say it, but I wish I was still on bedrest. Not just because of all the pampering, service, compassion, attention, letters and packages you recieve, but because that would mean I would still be pregnant and we would still be expecting a little baby girl. Things are slowly getting easier. My milk finally dried up {is that a little bit TMI?} and we're making plans for the fall and for the future with just us two where before we were planning for three. No need for a 2 bedroom apartment in the fall. No need to coordinate our class schedules. No need for all the cute pink clothes we bought. Despite not having a new addition join us, we still have all the same bills-- and then some. Whoever knew that the price of two MRI's would be enough to take a nice trip to the French Riviera? Or that spending a few nights in a hospital after a delivery and surgery would be enough to get a new car? Don't even get me started on the price of headstones, cemetery plots, flights for a casket, and other various funeral expenses. It's a great business. The funeral industry that is. It's because no matter the economic situation, no matter the status of the National Healthcare Reform- people are still going to die. Michael Jackson proved that first hand. While other companies are being downsized and shutdown- the funeral business is one of the few not hanging on for dear life- get it? Anyway. We went to Utah for the week prior to July 4th for a number of events. Dropping off Nathan (literally curbside dropoff) at the MTC, Seeing Taylor (Spencer's brother) return from his mission to Germany, visit with family, see the Jonas Brothers at Stadium of Fire, attend 4th of July festivities, and bury our daughter in the Provo Cemetery. The weather was great the whole week and we packed so much in that it ALMOST made the 28 hour drive bearable. Dropping off my little brother Nathan wasn't as emotional as we all anticipated. There were no opportunities for those "moments". As soon as the car was put in to park the car door automatically opened as 3 missionaries ushered "THE ONE IN THE SUIT" out of the car while the fourth one unloaded the luggage from the trunk. One word. Efficient. We all got out of the car, probably much slower than they would have liked, and gave our final farewells as Elder Salmon entered the glass doors. The following day after saying goodbye to my brother, I gained a brother-in-law instead. Taylor returned from his two year mission spent in Berlin, Germany. It was my very first time meeting Taylor. We had a lot of fun that night visiting- especially when Taylor unpacked his suitcase and distributed the goods. Let's just say German chocolate is NOT overrated. The whole week was crammed with super fun things to do. We walked around the Freedom Festival booths, attended the Provo Parade, went canoeing, hiking, swimming had plenty of food, visited with lots of family and did a ton of other things. One of the more memorable things we did (as if stuffing my face with European chocolate wasn't memorable) was having the graveside service for our little baby girl held at the Provo Cemetery July 3rd. It was such an amazing feeling to arrive there with the tiny casket and to be greeted by so many people (many of which were dressed in pink) and to know of their love for us. Everytime I made eye contact with someone in the crowd I became speechless. The service was just perfect. It is 2 months today since our little baby joined our eternal family. 2 months and 1 day ago I would have never thought that this would have happened. I would have never imagined that I would be paying for an infant gravemarker. It makes me wonder what the next 2 months will bring.

Go Green!

I get the whole "Go Green" and "Save The Environment" thing... but I mean some things are meant to be disposable. I don't care if you're Lisa P. Jackson. There is nothing sanitary about it. "Say goodbye to chemical laden disposable
feminine hygiene products and lessen
your environmental footprint with these
100% cotton, luxuriously soft flannel pads."

Perhaps that tagline sold you.

So if you are looking for ways to GO GREEN just click here or here or here or here or anywhere else but please not here.

We Went to Florida... A Month Ago.

Things haven't seemed that busy, but apparently they have been. Before I posted about our expedition to Utah that we had last week I thought I would post about our sweet Florida trip we had last month. We all went down to Panama City Beach, Florida and spent 4 days at the beach in a suite resort that my Sis found - SPLASH. It is right on the beach in the warm Gulf of Mexico. If you don't fancy the salt water there are plenty of pools and slides to enjoy right underneath the two Splash towers. Our condo had 2 master suites among the 4 bedrooms which both had nice balconies looking out on the Gulf. We enjoyed watching groups of stingrays swim by and the occasional shark. We were really thrilled when they got close to a clump of swimming European tourists, yet nothing exciting ever happened. The weather was perfect everyday we were there- Spencer had a nice sunburn at the end of the week. We of course ate plenty of fresh seafood while we were there. G-Lo loved "SHRIMP CITY"- a little one-of-a-kind, hole-in-the-wall seafood shack with fresh shrimp cooked to order. She even got a t-shirt. One evening we ate on a sweet pirates ship where each level was a different restaurant. The shopping district was really nice too- tons of outdoor shops, dining and various vendors. We loved the relaxing whitesand beach and emerald water, we just wished the trip could have lasted longer. A highly recommended vacation spot that we give "two thumbs up!"

False Alarm

Did you know that you can only have 100 readers on a private blog? After additional emails and requests we hit our limit. So now we are just like the rest of you bloggers out there. Exposed to the World Wide Web. It's alright though I suppose. I guess I will continue blogging from where my last post ended.

The weekend our baby girl joined us our whole ward and family pulled together to get flights, programs, flowers and everything else needed to plan a funeral. We had a memorial service on May 25th, Memorial Day. Fitting we thought. The speakers (Spencer's mom and my dad) did a great job, and a cute little girl- Caroline- sang "I Am a Child of God." The program was short and sweet. Our bishop wrote an awesome poem that he read just before the closing. One of the hardest parts of the day was giving the tiny casket to the funeral director who placed it in the back of the hurse. A full size hurse. Her casket looked so small and lonely in there. We are so grateful for all the time and talents that were rendered on our behalf that day. Larae Rahm was kind enough to offer her photography skills and got a ton of great pictures of the day. Kim Benham put together a book that everyone attending could sign. Lots of great ladies helped to put the flowers together. It was just such a nice day. Also- Thanks to Tara for the great "IT'S A GIRL" banner that she made for a future baby shower, Thanks Cous. We used it a little earlier than planned. I guess I didn't realize at the time just how pale and chubby I was until Larae showed me the pictures. yikes. After the service Spencer and I took a nice long nap on the couch. (My dad is quite the creeper.) We are so happy that we have each other and that we have continued to hear good news from our doctors at all of the postop visits. Thank you for all the prayers. Ward members have brought by books and family members have sent letters and cards filled with comforting words. In one particular book it spoke about the verse found in D&C 42:45 "Thou shalt live together in love, insomuch that thou shalt weep for the loss of them that die..." It made me feel a little bit better about having sadness. Before I had felt almost guilty when I couldn't fight tears back and they would spill over my eyes. I felt that if I really understood the Gospel and its teachings that I would have no desire to cry but reading through that scripture assured me that it's okay to be sad. Despite all we are really enjoying our summer and have even since then traveled to Florida (look forward to hearing about that in my next post) I have learned that trials make you stronger, and bed rest makes you weaker. I went out for my first day of "light exercise" (whatever that means) which included a 3 mile walk. For two days after I moved like a 90 year old walking on a board of nails. It's amazing how fast your body gets out of shape- and not so amazing how hard it is to get back in to shape.

It's just another thing that has come out of this situation that will take some work.

For more pictures from the Memorial Service click HERE
Turn up the volume and press PLAY.

Sara Loraine Orton

It is 3 weeks today.

I've been going back and forth on how to tastefully make this post. I've been waiting a while so that I could work through some emotions so that the words don't appear to be angry or too sad and hopeless. I want it to be informative, yet not too intimate as to seem like I had copied the words directly from my journal. It's a rather interesting thing to post about. Something that most other parents will never have the chance to write about, fortunately. Our beautiful baby girl was just a tad too eager to join us. I suppose she knew Spencer and I were going to be awesome parents, and was really excited about it. After an already difficult pregnancy a couple painful internal exams, multiple ultrasounds and a very long MRI, it was determined that I had an incompetent cervix (most likely due to radiation therapy) and that the remainder of the pregnancy would be spent on strict bedrest. The baby had somehow already made her way into the birth canal and was ready to make her debut appearance. The days after the news were spent on bed rest watching FoodNetwork and other mindless TV shows. Our queen size bed was placed in the middle of the family room directly in front of the screen. Divine. On Thursday my doctor requested I head to the hospital to be monitored for contractions. Instead of the 800+ channels in HD quality I lowered my standards to such television shows as Peoples Court and boring Local News. The contraction machine spit out receipt-like paper that reached a mile long. The results were mostly flat lined- which in this case is good- so we felt a little happier. Meaning A) the pain I was feeling weren't contractions and B) the tight pressured belt strapped on my stomach could finally be removed. The idea of option B was short lived since the doctor suggested I spend the night for further monitoring. With that news we were moved to a nice room with a window and a little pull out bed for Spencer. I asked Spencer to pull his béir (a word I just made up to mean bed/chair) closer to my deluxe hospital bed so that we could hold hands as the sky got dark and the streetlights flickered on. We watched the late night comedy shows and chuckled each time someone came into our room, which was every 30 minutes or so. "I'm the public relations person..." or "I'm in charge of the rubbery food we feed you here at the hospital..." or "I'm here to draw some blood". The blood lady came at 5:00am. I'm still confused about that. Our morning was rather relaxing. Hand fulls of people told us that we would be released as soon as the doctor had made her rounds. While we waited for her to come around we had an ultrasound by one of the High Risk doctors where we saw our little baby swimming around. He too told us that we would be going home. With this reassuring news the day flew by- besides a progesterone shot administered right into my hip. Early afternoon Spencer left for work, and around 3:00pm I became very uncomfortable. Sparring you all from details our beautiful baby girl arrived Friday May 22, 2009 at 3:20pm and passed away 3:26pm. She was healthy and perfect, with slightly undeveloped lungs, which is normal when delivered that early. I yelled at everyone to get Spencer on the phone, but before I knew it they told me something about a loss of blood and the need for an emergency surgery. An hour or so later Spencer joined me in a recovery room. We laid together in the hospital bed and cried. Shortly there after, the nurse brought our little baby to us wrapped in a blanket- her features so perfect and ever so tiny. Some family and friends joined us in the room a while later and gratefully had plenty of cameras to treat us somewhat like a celebrity family. The paparazzi flashed and snapped shots of our first family moments together. I look at those pictures everyday. They will always mean so much to us. We named our precious baby Sara Loraine Orton. Sara after moi. and Loraine after her maternal grandmother. We filled out a birth certificate (and a death certificate) then took our baby back to our previous hospital room. Spencer and I shared the deluxe hospital bed that night and our angel joined us in her small plastic bassinet at the foot of the bed. I realized that night that you don't have to be awake to cry. I also realized how grateful I am to have an amazing husband who is my absolute best friend. We together are so grateful that we have been sealed in the temple and know that we will have our baby girl again. We are also so thankful for all the cards, meals, prayers, visits, packages, flowers etc. that we have recieved. Thank you.